Glorious Way Church
Glorious Way Church equips believers for the work of the ministry and stands for God’s truth in our culture. We serve as a regional center, where people from all backgrounds find refreshing worship and true communion of the saints.
Glorious Way Church
Parenting 2: Goals & Procedures | Marriage & Family Series 6
Drawing from 2 Timothy 2:20-21, we challenge the common criticism that godly parenting is "keeping kids from the world" – when in reality, we're keeping them for God's purposes. The conversation walks through what we call "the parenting funnel" – a framework showing how parenting transitions from establishing authority with young children to building deep relationships with teenagers. During those formative years (ages 0-5), we discuss why consistent discipline establishes security, not harm. Like a shepherd's rod and staff from Psalm 23, discipline serves as both protection and guidance – a rescue mission to save children from destructive paths. For elementary-aged children, we explore shifting focus from external behavior to heart formation, while teenage years require less control and more coaching.
And we'll pray. Heavenly Father, we love you and we honor you. We're here because we want to have godliness in our life, godliness in our family, godliness in our marriage. And, Holy Spirit, we just invite you to be part of this conversation tonight. We ask you to guide every conversation, every word that's spoken. Let it be edifying, let it be encouraging to each one who hears it. Be encouraging to each one who hears it. Holy Spirit, I pray that whatever is spoken, that those who hear will hear precisely what they need to hear. And, heavenly Father, we give you all the praise and honor and glory for the fruit that abounds in Jesus' name. Amen.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you to our live stream audience for watching with us tonight. We've got people here in the church with us tonight. We've got people here in the church. We're going to break out into groups a little bit later and have a time of discussion, and so, live stream audience, if you want to be part of these discussions, you're just going to have to come next time, but let us know you're coming and register before so we can have the materials and the food for you. But with that, let's get started.
Speaker 1:Yes we're going to start off, claire's going to begin talking about vessels of honor. So with that, claire, take it away.
Speaker 2:Yes, I just thought I'd paint one more picture of a good overview. And you know how many of you know that sometimes, as a good, godly parent, other families might look at your family and say, wow, you guys are strict, man, you don't let your kids. So I just wanted to read to you 2 Timothy 2, 20 and 21. But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay, some for honor and some for dishonor. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from the latter and those are things that works of the flesh that it previously mentioned if you cleanse yourself, you'll be a vessel of honor, sanctified and useful for the master and prepared for every good work.
Speaker 2:How many of you want to have a family full of kids who are prepared for every good work? And that's our job as parents is to prepare them. And what are we preparing them for? You know I have a dog bowl on the floor of my house. I would never, ever said it before my honored guests. It's a dog bowl. There's a toilet bowl. It's made of porcelain but it's a toilet. And so you know there are vessels of honor and there are vessels of not honor.
Speaker 1:And that sounds like something that I would say.
Speaker 2:That is what my husband it's, because I've been married to him that I would say anything like that. That is so vulgar. But our kids, man, we're keeping our kids. I think, overall, other people can look from the outside and say, you are so strict, you're keeping your kids from the real world, you're keeping your kids from from from all of these good things. And I would say, no, I'm keeping them for the word of God, I'm keeping them there.
Speaker 2:That's what sanctification is. It means that they're set apart and there are certain things they'll never be used by the devil. They're going to be used by God and they're going to be a vessel of honor. So you can say that over your kids, and I just want to encourage you. I mean, your kids are called from for a purpose. They're called from the womb of the mother. You think about how they, how John the Baptist, when he was still inside his mother, elizabeth, and Elizabeth came near her cousin, Mary, who was also pregnant with Jesus, and John the Baptist was a, he was in utero and he leapt for joy in his mother's womb. He could feel the presence of God. So kids have a calling from the time they're in the womb and, and so it's our job to keep them for the presence of God, to keep them as a vessel of honor, them as a vessel of honor. And then I just want to just give an overview of kind of the atmosphere of the entire family throughout your time is, you know, people have a lot of different views of family time. Oh, it's family movie night, it's we bowl, we fish as a family, we this or we that, and those are really good things.
Speaker 2:But I just want to, as a member of the local church, as a local church girl, as a person who spent my entire childhood, from the time my parents got saved when I was seven years old, we lived in the church. When the church was open, even if it was 28 miles from our door, we still were there every time the doors were open, if it was Monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday and all day, sunday. And that's what we were in church all the time. And as a family we all serve. We found a way to be useful and even little kids can find a way to serve with their parents If they're ushers, if they're greeters. I mean, how awesome would it be to show your kids early? So to me, serving God together was our ultimate family time, and if you look at my family, it's still what we do together. My kids are all here tonight. They're serving I've got Anna serving in children's ministry, and so we know all the same families, we know all the same people. It is a basis of rich fellowship in our lives. So I would, I would encourage you to get involved in your local church and we can have generational impact. Look at the Dyer family. The Dyer family I knew when, when we were going to church. All that time we knew them and and then now they have a generational impact in our church Three generations of Dyer serving in church together, loving the Lord together, and we all benefit from that.
Speaker 2:And so, anyway, vessels of honor. So let's talk about honor just for a minute. Honor is what we're trying to help instill in our kids through all of these methods we're about to talk about. Honor is the thing. And because if your child does not honor you as a parent and he can see you, she can see your face but she does not honor you then how is she going to honor God, whom she cannot see?
Speaker 2:And so, as a parent, it is so vital that we teach our kids not just to obey but to truly in their heart to honor us as parents, because we, as we talked about last week, we really do represent the authority of God almighty to our kids. We're the face of God to them in this time in their lives. And so you know, remember that scripture that Jesus could there do no mighty work but in his hometown he could. There do, could do no mighty work in his own hometown because the people did not honor him. He wanted to do something good for them but he could not because they did not honor. And, as a parent, how many of you have wanted? There have been times in your life that you have wanted to do something really good for your kid, but they were not acting with honor that day, and so you had to delay that blessing for them, didn't you?
Speaker 1:And so that's kind of a principle with our kids Things will go well with them when they learn honor, and so, and then, just as another picture of the home James has, a thought yeah, so Proverbs 22, six and this is a theme that runs through here all the way through Train up a child in the way they should go, and when they're old, they'll not depart from it. And again, every time you hear the word train, I want you to think that is not telling them, that is not repeating the statement over and over. This is a repetitive training to get somebody into. This is who they are and this is what they do because they've been trained. It's a trained response.
Speaker 1:As parents, you are shepherding these kids and, in particular, as parents, you are shepherding these kids and, in particular, the father of the home is a shepherd in the lead role. Jesus is our chief shepherd, but we're underling shepherds, and so, in our home, we're the shepherd. We're charged to lead, to feed and to guard these kids that we've been charged to train up. And so, as a shepherd, I want you to look at Psalm 23, verse 1.
Speaker 1:It says the Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want, I shall not lack or decrease or fail. He makes me to lie down in green pastures and leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul for his namesake, yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I'll fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff. They comfort me, and so we're going to talk about the rod and the staff tonight. The rod is a symbol and an implement of discipline and it's also one of protection. And so you know, you can beat the devil off of your kids, you can beat the threat off of your kids and away from your home and you should, but for your children it's a corrective tool.
Speaker 2:Maybe not a literal stick. We'll talk about that later.
Speaker 1:It can be a literal stick, but it doesn't have to be a stick in every case literal stick, but it doesn't have to be a stick in every case. When you apply the rod, the corrective tool and the protection, the discipline here, I want you to see yourselves on a rescue mission. Your kids are in imminent danger. There is somebody coming for them, there is something coming for them. They're on the edge of something that can go desperately wrong for them, and so, as somebody who guards, you're something that can go desperately wrong for them. And so, as somebody who guards, you're there to guard your children from that danger. And so what do you use? You use the rod to beat the danger off of them. And so that's the context here. Proverbs 23, 13 says do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod he will not die. I mean, if you beat him hard enough he will. But that's not the kind of beating that we're talking here.
Speaker 1:That is not our goal, you shall beat him with a rod and deliver his soul from hell. This is a rescue mission to save them from hell. And so, yes, you can beat the hell out of your kids, and I'm not cussing here, I'm saying you're driving that out of them. But we I'm saying you're driving that out of them, but we are not abusing and causing harm to our kids.
Speaker 2:It is a rescue mission for your kids. It is a loving tool.
Speaker 1:Proverbs, a couple of scriptures here. I'll run through these quick. Proverbs 22, 15. Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from them. Proverbs 29, verse 15 and 17. So 15 says the rod. Let me flip over that one because I don't have that one written down in my notes. Proverbs 29 15, and I should go quicker. I should have written that one down, my apologies.
Speaker 1:Proverbs 29 15 the rod and rebuke give wisdom, but the child left to himself brings shame to his mother. So when you think about a child left to himself, I want you to think about free-range parenting. You know how many parents just let their kids off to themselves to do whatever and wherever and with whoever. That brings shame, shame. Verse 17 says correct your son and he will give you rest. They won't wear you out when you are training them in the way they should go. When you've corrected them, they're going to give you rest because then you won't be correcting them as much.
Speaker 1:If you get this stuff done early in life, remember the concept of pouring concrete in a set of forms. When those forms are in the right place and you're pouring concrete, you know that's going to begin to set up and that's going to yield the result of what it is. You had in design in your mind. You're shaping them, but if it gets outside of those forms now you've got a chip, you've got a saw cut, you've got a drill, you've got a cord. It's a mess and it's a lot of trouble to get it back on track. And so we're building a foundation here and we've got to make sure that we get it right at the front end of this. And then you know your rod and your staff. The staff provides guidance. You know, I want you to think about a shepherd with a staff. That's he's not beating the sheep, he's guiding the sheep. It's got a little crook on the end. You might hook the neck of one and pull them back in line over here. You might pat one on the side over here. It's a tool of guidance and so you're guiding here with your words. You got to have good communication with your kids.
Speaker 1:The second Timothy, chapter four, verse two, talks about preaching, convincing, rebuking, exhorting, with all long-suffering and teaching. A good way to lead your kids is through lines of questioning, and that'll be a theme all the way through here. That can start very young, as soon as they can begin to understand the language, you can start asking them questions and you're leading them to a particular answer. You ask smart questions. That gets the truth of God's word to come out of their mouth. And when it comes out of their mouth, now they're accountable for it. You didn't tell them, you led them with questioning, and so that's a picture of the staff right there.
Speaker 1:And then, when you get later in life, your communications with your kids, your teenagers, becomes much more meaningful. You're an adult, you can start relating to them that way, but you don't stop guiding them with your words and with your questioning. You can begin to entreat your kids and plead with them to honor your father and your mother. This is not something I'm doing because I need the honor or your mother needs the honor. I'm pleading with you to do this because I want it to go well with you. And so there's blessing and I don't want you to be outside of that blessing. And so you begin to entreat them and plead with them as they get to be older in age. But all of that the rod and the correction that's a rescue mission, and the staff is your words of guidance.
Speaker 2:Awesome. All right, we're going to move on to our parenting within the funnel, and I passed this out last week and it's in tonight's notes too. It looks like this it's on page nine of tonight's notes, and I love it because you kind of start at the bottom and you can kind of see that eventually we're leading to a place where our kids are grown and we can be friends with them. We have raised people that we like, hallelujah. We have raised people that share our, our values and our and. And yet they're on the plan that God has for them and we can be so proud. But that's not when they're zero to five we're going to cover. Well, how, how do you get there someday? Well, you start when they're zero to five.
Speaker 2:You've got to establish authority. If you start with friendship with your little one, then they are not equipped to be your friend and they will not respect you and they will not honor you, and so they have to learn that honor by you being a strong and awesome parent. Some people say God, help me with this child, send somebody to help me. Well, he sent you to them. You are their parent, you have authority, and so never, never share that with your kids because then they feel insecure. They feel like something in the heart of a child knows that he is not equipped to be in charge, and there's nothing more stressful for a child to know that then he is in charge. He might look like he wants to be, but he does not want to be in charge. You need to be in charge, so, um. So we're always stimulating them in a particular direction.
Speaker 2:I just want to say we are always either accidentally or on purpose. We are training our children all the time and when they're in this, this age group right now, think about how sweet and innocent and gullible this child is. They will believe anything that you say, just because you say it, and they'll also believe anything the next door neighbor says and anything, any voice that you allow into their life. They're like a little sponge and they will not only hear it and think it's right, but it will start to form in their heart and it will start to take root. And it's very hard anything that's sewn into them when they're a child. That's very hard to let that out. And there's redemption and healing if you had things sewn in you at that time, but it's such a tender time. So I just want to encourage you do everything, but it's not forever, it's only just that little window that you have. So I want you to see it.
Speaker 2:If you just sat down and think, how many days do I have with my child when they're a toddler? How many times? So this is the time to put the word of God. Every little input matters so much, and so in their spirit and their soul and their body, we're gonna break that out real quick. In their spirit, what are we doing to speak the word of God over them? And when you sit, well, we read in Deuteronomy. When you walk in the way, when you lay down at night, when you wake up in the morning, when you walk down the road, whatever you're doing, you're speaking the word of God over them. It's all 71, 17,. God, you've taught me since childhood.
Speaker 2:What are we putting in our kids? Are we, are we? Are we emphasizing with them that that Jesus loves them? Do they have a special? Do we talk about the Lord in our home? Do we model how much we love him? Did the kids see us praying? Do they see us reading the Bible?
Speaker 2:You know, even if they can't read yet, do we read with them at night, even before they can talk. Do we read? Do they have a little children's Bible that we read to them? Do they have? You know, when my kids could barely say a word, they could say little parts of Psalm one. I would rock Ben with his fat cheeks and um, and I would say blessed has been who walks not in the council of the, and he'd say on god we nor stands in the way of sinners. So he would like we would trace the scripture together and um, and he would know that he would know it and he can say psalm one today um, not that that's the important thing, because you know that like that's a notch on his belt or whatever, but he has some tools and equipment now because we put them in there when he was young.
Speaker 1:My sheep know my voice and another. They will not follow. So that's a voice. You've got to have the strong voice when they're that age.
Speaker 2:And their spirits are so open. And let's go to their soul. That's their mind, their will, their intellect. What are we doing to stimulate them emotionally in a good way? So kids need a lot of mental stimulation and they are capable of so much more than we ever ever dream.
Speaker 2:On Friday night's event we passed out a New England primer, which was like a little book that people used to learn. That was for first graders. It was for and we're talking about a little bit younger than that, but by first grade children could often recite large passages of scripture. And again it is. What do we do? How do we spend our daily time with our kids during that time? Because we can spend it like like just plop them on the couch and we're in the kitchen doing other stuff. We're surfing the internet, we're on Facebook. The kids are on the couch, they're watching their screen, we're watching our screen, we're separate. They're doing that thing, but we're missing a big, big chance to pour something really good into them.
Speaker 2:And I know one child that has real, is really interested in dinosaurs and he can cite every. He knows more about dinosaurs and lizards than you. I don't. I didn't know there were that many classifications of that I have a video we can play later, just while we're walking through. But there's a child who I think he was about five years old but he knew all of the thyroid gland, that's the pituitary, whatever. He knew all of the parts of the body and there was like a little cartoon picture of a body part and he knew all of the muscles and organs. I mean, this kid could have passed a biology lab practical, but he was joyful to share and that's the thing right now.
Speaker 2:They're little and they're joyful to please you. They want. So, whatever you encourage and praise them to do, they will love that. They will. That will be something that they love. So do do take advantage. Limit the media, turn off the screens, especially if they're under two. They do not need to be watching a screen at all, especially not a personal screen. When my kids were two, we had, you know, we had the big TV and we had some Christian music videos that were ridiculous and if I sang the song today, y'all would be like that is mind numbing, claire, stop it.
Speaker 1:And we could sing the songs today because we listened to them so many times over and over.
Speaker 2:But the kids loved them and they were scriptural based, many of them, or just silly, and they were fun and some of them were veggie tales, but I don't recommend them today, sadly, anyway.
Speaker 2:If you're, if they're watching the screen make sure it's not an activity by themselves. They need to do this stuff together. It's together time, and we'll talk about media next week. But I want to especially hit that they're before five years old. They have a part of their brain that's called their language center, their language processor, their language center is still open. That's why a kid you know they do hilarious things with language. They'll pick up the rules of English and they won't know the things that are irregular or regular or whatever. I bring my cat to this. I bring my cat. Well, they learned the rule that ed is how you make a past tense. They didn't know that brought was the whatever. But they're learning language crazy learning at that time. Every day they're learning stuff you don't even know the connections they're making in their brain. Um, so, if now is the time, if you would like to download one of those apps where they're learning a different language maybe you are Hispanic and you want them to learn, get, get mama over there, get grandma over there, abuela, abuelita, let her come and speak Spanish to them so they can learn that if they hear it before their language centers close, they'll be so much more likely to pick it up later.
Speaker 2:And it's such a great time for them. Same with music. Music is a language. So I remember I just barely caught this boat when they were five. It was summertime. I was like we are going to use this summer what do y'all want to play? And Ben picked guitar, guitar, I guess. No, wasn't excited about it. And Thea picked piano and we said okay, and we signed them up for lessons and y'all can both see them now. And then I tried that with Anna and I stuck with it for a year but I gave up. She was not into it.
Speaker 2:But I'm just saying that there is a time of language learning and it adds so much to their life. Put a skill into them at this time is so, so good. Skill into them at this time is so, so good. And then when they ask why, how many of y'all the children ask why every day, mommy, why? Why? Well, the sky is blue, why? And it is really deep and existential. It makes you kind of question, it makes you very philosophical.
Speaker 2:And how would I answer that? And I just want to encourage you, enjoy that time, follow their curiosity, um, and then I'm going to move on to body. Really quickly. Um, just make sure that you are doing activities with them that keep them moving. They are not just a little blob of flesh. Let's set some muscle memory. On inaction, amen, says the PE teacher. But let's get them moving, let's get them playing outside, and especially on nutrition, man man, there are so many kids with such picky food things. Oh, I won't eat this, I only eat chicken nuggets. I won't eat meat, I don't eat, I only eat crackers or whatever, whatever. And I just want to encourage you I only eat crackers or whatever, whatever. And I just want to encourage you if you introduce stuff to them that is healthy and good, and only put that in front of them and don't let them have the cheesecake when they're eight months old. Don't ever introduce them, because once they have that, they might not. If they have cheesecake before they have carrots, they might not ever like a carrot.
Speaker 1:Remember you're training them in what they should grow into and what they'll like it's all about appetites.
Speaker 2:You know, selena said no, you know, our kids are not going to have soda when they're little.
Speaker 2:And then she delayed it until they were about seven and by that time they were like I don't even like soda. It was great. So you can delay a lot of things. You might not say, hey, we'll never have chocolate, but I mean, I personally, as a chocoholic, I kind of wish I wouldn't have had it younger, you know. So I'm just thinking like what are things that you crave in your life that you might be able to head that off as a kid by just delaying it or introducing the other foods first? Amen.
Speaker 1:So we've got about 10 minutes left and there's a lot more material to go, so I'm going to. I've got some sections that I've highlighted here. Claire does too.
Speaker 2:We're not going to hit everything in your notes, you're going to have to go back through this and pick some of this stuff up. You get to go back because we really put a lot of good stuff in here.
Speaker 1:So the next section that I'm going to cover is obedience and that being a circle of safety. And so on page three, you've got a little diagram there that shows a boy standing there within the circle. At the top is honor, at the bottom it says obey, and left says go well and right says long life. That is the circle of safety. When they honor their mother and their father, then it can go well with them, then they can have long life.
Speaker 1:And so you've got two goals right here, with the honor Number one being that they submit to authority. Your children must be trained to submit to authority. Remember, foolishness is bound in the heart of a child. The rod of correction will drive it far from them. They are not automatic. They don't come out little robots of obedience. In fact, they can be very defiant even before they can talk, walk or crawl. They can defy what you say. And the rod of correction is what? The tool that you use to train them and get them back into a repeating behavior where they submit to authority.
Speaker 1:Always win the fight. You don't have to choose every fight with your kids, but when you do choose it, win the fight. Don't ever lose to your kids. If you lose to them, you have now trained them. So the typical thing is and requiring the obedience immediately is another point there. So when you start doing the countdown, I'm going to count to three what have you done? You've trained them that they do not have to obey until you get to two and a half, two and seven-eighths three. You have trained them to delay the response. What you're doing is immediate submission to authority.
Speaker 1:Goal number two is to honor authority. Goal number two is to honor. You can require honor of your kids. What is the feedback that you're getting back from your kids? Your kids cannot talk back to you. They cannot argue with you. They cannot give you directives or commands when they speak to you. They need to speak in a respectful manner so you can go back and engage whether your kids are honoring you with the way that they're speaking and when they're not honoring. You must train that out of them and that requires correction, and correction can be hard for the moment, but it is critical and it is love when you administer this correction, getting into In our house the rod was we had the spoon, the wooden spoon, the spanking spoon.
Speaker 1:I had a spoon in my office. We had spoons all over the house. They were handy. You could just reach up just about anywhere, grab a spoon and on the spot. I don't advise that you do this kind of correction the spanking in a public place.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:It needs to be private. You need to tell your child what this is for, what went wrong, why they're getting this. They need to understand the consequences that when they do this again, this will be the result. When you treat me this way again, when you talk to me this way, when you defy me, when you disobey, this is what is going to happen, and on my side, I have to do this as a parent. I promise you that when you don't do right, I won't let you keep going down that wrong road. That road is one that leads to destruction, a short life and misery. I love you too much to let you go down that road. I love you enough to correct you and bring you over here. And so when you do this, my side, as a parent, I'm committed to do this Not out of anger, never out of anger.
Speaker 1:In fact you got to get the anger off of you before you administer this. The goal here is to break their will and sometimes you know, with a little baby, a little, a little one, it doesn't take much. It's in fact, it's not even the feeling, it's just the action. You give them a little pop on the diaper and they didn't feel it, there was no feeling. But, man, they fall apart. They recognize that rod of correction and they fall apart and you've broken their will. Now you have to bring something back. You have to instill the good on that side. You have to instill the good on that side. You have to love them and fill in the gap.
Speaker 2:I like the wooden spoon and not the hand. The hand is an implement of love and the rod is an implement of love, but it's not the same.
Speaker 1:So let me fast forward a little bit in the notes here. If you're not consistent in this, if you haven't done well and I'm going to give an example of our own life and Thea I don't mean to embarrass you, but she had a very strong will as a baby, as a child growing up. She was very strong willed and you can't negotiate with them, you can't try to win them over to this, because there's just a will and you're there to break that will and then fill in.
Speaker 2:The selfish will.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's the selfish side, you're, but breaking their personality.
Speaker 2:You're breaking the spirit of selfishness and foolishness. It's bound up in the heart of all of us, every child.
Speaker 1:And so there was a point I think she was probably about five years old Uh, the spankings were not as effective as they had been before, and she was just to a point where I felt like and we both felt like we're starting to lose her because the spankings aren't working. What do we do? And she's going down this road of defiance and we love her too much to let her go down that road. I remember one particular night I went in her room and took everything out. She was left with a bed and a sheet, no pillow, no blanket, no nightstand, no lamp, no books no stuffed animals.
Speaker 1:I want y'all to know there was nothing left in the room, just a bed and a sheet, and that's what she was allowed to have. Everything else and it took a lot of trips and I've moved it all into a guest bedroom.
Speaker 1:And then we told her Thea, you can now earn this stuff back when you get something right. When I see that your attitude is right, I'm going to let you go into this room and pick something out. And so she did. She picked something out, and sometimes I just loved her too much. And why don't you just get two things out of here? And you know, it wasn't even two weeks. And finally, at the end of that time, why don't you just get the rest of it and I'll help you? We'll move it back in, we'll get your room set up the way it needs to be and it totally changed her. She was so much easier to talk to so you could correct with words now because that defiant will was broken in that moment. So there are some creative punishments.
Speaker 2:You as a parent are going to have to figure out what those are If a child is defiant and a train is coming and they don't listen to you, as a parent, you're going to have to figure out what those are. And if a child is defiant and a train is coming and they don't listen to you on the first time you know what I'm saying it can be dangerous. So you do, you want to have that in its training. Training is not nagging or cajoling or lecturing. None of that is training. And you can look that back up in the Bible. Eli had the priest, had two sons and he was always telling he was a priest. He was telling them all the stuff to do but they were awful.
Speaker 1:Three minutes.
Speaker 2:Telling is not enough. Time out is not a substitute. Has to be, especially when they're young. It has to be that rod of correction.
Speaker 1:There's no substitute for the rod of correction.
Speaker 2:It is love to do it. Okay, so we have in here a whole appeal process, because sometimes you tell the child go to bed and he might say, but there's a snake in my bed or whatever. There are things we don't know when we issue an edict sometimes. So there's an appeal process that we have down there. And then, james, how old does a child have to be before they can have a little pop on the diaper? What is that? How, what does that look like?
Speaker 1:I wouldn't say a newborn no, not a newborn, but foolishness is bound in the heart of a child and they're born with that, and so at any point in time that you see the defiant behavior, you can have your child crawling across the floor and they know what the word no means pretty quick. When you start telling them no and they look over their shoulder and they kind of smile at you and then they crawl even faster to the thing that you told them not to go to, maybe, and they kind of smile at you and then they crawl even faster to the thing that you told them not to go to, maybe. It's a dangerous condition. That's as soon as they exhibit that defiant behavior is the appropriate time to begin administering with erotic erection and doing it in love.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we did not put child locks on our cabinets. We just trained the kids that they were not to open that cabinet that has poison in their yuck. And we just trained them not to do that. And they, they didn't. Uh, because that way we, when we took them to other people's houses, they didn't dig through the cabinets there and nobody ever got poisoned and nobody called CPS. Amen, all right, um, uh, it's never too late, but, man, we want to get it down when they're, when they're early.
Speaker 2:Okay, so, moving on to training the heart, this is now the. Now the kid is maybe six to 12 years old. Now they're kind of an elementary schooler and we have to use more. We have less physical power over the child. We can't just put the pick them up and put them in the right place. We can't make them obey us. Now we have to use more influence and less authority. So that's what that little graph is in there. Our influence has to grow. They have to be able to listen to and trust us, whereas our authority has to, kind of as they turn 18, man, we're not using any authority anymore. We're not spanking them when they're 18. 18, man, we're not, we're not using any authority anymore, we're not spanking them when they're 18.
Speaker 2:And, um, all right, so, anyway, and and overall, uh, we're looking at their heart. What's going on in their heart? Be nice, be nice. Well, that's not a parenting strategy. Um, the thing about you know, they can be acting nice. They might be, uh, we might be able to bribe them, we might be able to, uh, you know, even reward them, or they're working.
Speaker 2:Because they said, mom, could, we'll take us to pizza at the end of the week. If we always say please, well, that's good, okay. So we got him to say please, that is yay, good job. We got him to be mannerly. But, um, what's in their heart? Did they want to honor you by saying please and thank you? Did they want to say yes, ma'am, and no, ma'am, because they honor that adult in their life? Did they want to do that? What was in their heart? And so it matters, because we don't want to raise a Pharisee who looks great on the outside but on the inside they're fighting you or they're just in it for the money, or they're just in it. You know, we don't want to raise that. So we're looking at character traits and you can you just want to evaluate your kid overall? If you have a house plant and it's wilty over there in the corner, you see, okay, it needs water. So just pay attention to your kids at least as much as you do your house plants. Pay attention to them. Evaluatevaluate.
Speaker 2:What do they talk about? Evaluate their spirit, evaluate. Are they talking about God? Did they ever talk about God? You know, I walked in recently. I found my son late at night he was reading his Bible. I thought, praise God, I did not have to nag him or he was reading his Bible. But but are they talking about? Is God a big part of their life or is God just kind of secondary? And it's really about what they want to do.
Speaker 1:By their fruit you will know them and so your kids are bearing fruit and you, and it's good to reward or reinforce that. When you see them doing the good thing, it's it's not just the action but it's the heart behind the action. That's really when you want to come in and recognize hey, you were really generous here, you were showing kindness to this one over here. I know it was hard to tell me what you just told me, but it was honest and I appreciate the honesty that just came out. So on page 11 and 12 here there's a handout here godly character traits and those are really just a measuring stick for where your kids are at and how they're doing.
Speaker 2:You're always looking. You know the eyes of Lord look to and fro to see if there's anybody who does good on the earth. And your eyes are looking to and fro on these character traits for your kids. Do you see them in them? And every time you see him you're going to jump on that and praise that, praise that to the sky. Oh, you were acting with such peace. Look at the service that you showed your family today when you washed your dish out after dinner and you put it in the dishwasher. Thank you for that. And notice. Notice when they do those good things. Obviously we have to discipline when they do the bad things, but we're noticing.
Speaker 2:We want the overall view of our home, the feeling of our home, to be peaceful streams, quiet waters, from Psalm 23. I mean, it's the place of comfort, it's the place of joy where they can find refuge from all the crazy out there in the world. Our home is that. Uh, that's what we say, amen, that's what we want. So we want those godly character traits in our kids. We want them to choose activities that that do. You can read that later. I encourage you because activities are a big part of your child's life, especially in this, in this age group. So choose them wisely. And we put a few little things in there about that, but we get, we got to get on to teenagers, so we don't miss the boat.
Speaker 1:All right. So the next section here building relationship. So in the parenting funnel you start out with discipline, from zero to five, the training six to 12. And now you get to a point where you can coach the teens. It's less punishing phase and more of a coaching and conversational phase. Not that you can't punish the teens, but the stick, the rod of correction is not the tool anymore at that point. And so number one on here fear of the Lord. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. You don't even become eligible to have heaven's wisdom until you first fear God. And it's not being afraid of God, it's caring more about what God thinks than what anyone else thinks of you. And so training the child, training your teen to care, that's hard for a teenager who cares about what his peers think.
Speaker 1:The peer pressure is enormous. And so this goes back to the foundation. If you've built the foundation right, they love God. You're doing things that point to God. You've got a son that reads the Bible when nobody's looking. You're building somebody at this point where they care about what God thinks about them. You know the wristbands that people used to wear.
Speaker 1:What would Jesus do? You know that was to get people to be God conscious. I don't know how effective those were, because people don't really seem to know what Jesus would do in these situations, but you want them to be God conscious. Fear the Lord. That's the beginning of wisdom. The book of Proverbs is full of wisdom. My mom made me read a proverb every day for the month, and so by the end of the month I had finished Proverbs and had to start back over the next month. Getting that in them will help instill that. And it matters who your kids are hanging out with the associates.
Speaker 1:But number two, let's talk about mistakes for a minute. We've lived a life and none of us are perfect, and we've all made mistakes in life. Now I don't advise sharing all of your mistakes with your kids. You know, some of those things just need to be buried and left for dead. But there are things in your life that you can relate to your kids and and they can know about. Just because you've made that mistake doesn't disqualify you from training your kids to not make that same mistake. In fact, it makes you more qualified. You've made that mistake. You've experienced trouble because of that mistake. Hopefully you've learned from that and now you're speaking from firsthand experience to keep your kids out of that trouble that you found.
Speaker 2:And so it's a guiding force Treat, exhort child, do not.
Speaker 1:Do you want to talk about associations?
Speaker 2:I do, because friends and peer groups is such an important part of, uh, your teen's life. They will become. The people that they're hanging out with are who they will become and uh, so we want them, first of all, to like hanging out with us. And there's an example in this book where, uh, the family, they, they wanted the family to be like the gang, you know, because the gang recruits, the gang has this mystique about it. The gang has a reputation. What is your family? So they're like trying to build that.
Speaker 2:Hey, you know, our family is going to do a bike trip and everybody's going to help plan it for the next two years and we're going to do this 60 mile thing. And, man, it's cool to be in my family because we did this, that or we 60 mile thing, and man, it's cool to be in my family because we did this there, we, we're the family that does that, or or whatever. So that's great, but but your kids do need friends outside the home and uh, so make sure that they are choosing friends who honor God, and if they don't have any right now, it is worth holding out. It is not worth having a an ungodly friend just because that's the only option out there. It is actually worth having an ungodly friend just because that's the only option out there. It is actually better for them just to hang out with mom and dad until you pray in their godly friends.
Speaker 1:And you've got to think about what pool you put them into. Did you put them into a pool of ungodly people? And then you wonder why they don't have any godly friends. Maybe you need to switch pools and plant your kids in a different place.
Speaker 2:We did that and it paid off. It paid off for us and our kids thanked us. They still thank us.
Speaker 1:So, on the procedures here, I'm not going to go through all of these, but if you've walked through these steps, you've got a teenager that you can relate to, that you can talk to. You're not giving them commands, you're not issuing edicts at that point. You're having conversations with them, and if you've done this well, you've guided with questions along the way. You're getting them to reproduce God's truth out of their mouth. Now they're accountable for it. It came from them and not from you. It came from what you put in them and out of the abundance of the heart. Let the mouth speak, and so you'll end up with somebody who you've been entreating, but now they're asking questions of you. They're going to you for advice. You become the person that they come back to when they have questions along the way, and so that's all I'm going to say about the procedures tonight. The final thing that I want to hit on right here is follow the Holy Spirit. Each one of you is the temple of the Holy Spirit. You carry the Holy Spirit wherever you go. You are led by the inward witness. There are times when you know our kids were going someplace or about to go someplace, and it didn't happen very often, but there was a time or two when I lost peace about it, or Claire lost peace about it, and we just had to say no. You just had to put say no, I can't let you go. I'm sorry. The Holy ghost warned me about something the kids are going to want to know what it is at a young age. They're going to want to know all the reasons why they're not entitled to, the reasons why become. Because I said so is enough for your kids when they're young. Later you're going to have to explain to them, because the Holy spirit warned me and he didn't tell me everything about it, but I have a warning about it and I can't let you go, and it'll save your, your kid's, life, and so, um, and, and they have to be, they have to learn to follow that, that spirit as well. Uh, you'll have peace in a direction. You'll never have peace to go in the wrong direction. So final example here and you're training somebody who can follow the Holy Ghost. You want them to learn to follow this.
Speaker 1:Along the way, thea, on her way home from school, had a feeling that she was you know what if I got into a car accident, and she prayed and asked God for protection and the feeling didn't go away and so she put on her praise and worship music and she felt a little bit better, but it still didn't go away. And the end result was she ended up turning across traffic at a point where there were cars coming that she couldn't see. She got broadsided by a truck going 50 miles an hour plus. She was found unconscious at the scene On her side. She went through the gate and into our neighborhood. Her memory was that I saw the truck coming, but I passed through and was in our neighborhood and I was fine. Then I wake up and all these people were messing with me.
Speaker 1:She got life flighted to a hospital downtown to a level one trauma unit. She had every sign and symptom of traumatic brain injury at the scene, but by the time she landed at the hospital she was completely fine and five hours later she walked out of there. The inward witness, and she learned from that. You know she could have followed that through to the end and avoided the accident completely, but the inward witness protected her, and so learn to follow that inward witness. I could give you examples of my life time and again, but as a parent, follow the inward witness.
Speaker 2:And my parents did this so well.
Speaker 1:And the peace. If you feel turmoil on the inside about something, you can always stop. You can always turn around and go the other direction. It's always an option. Don't let other people pressure you into letting your kids go somewhere when you don't have peace about it.